Does anyone really ever change
02:33 || 01.19.06
Recently I had a conversation with don that kind of bothered me. I'm not sure why I let it get to me, but I did. He basically told me that i'll never change and there's no possible way someone as fucked up as I was could be any different... I know he's wrong because in a lot of ways I am completely different. I actually try to take care of the people I care about and my few real friends now. I'm not a selfish drug addict who only cares about stealing enough money to get his next fix. I feel like a lot of the emotions I have I used to have, i just repress them. He said that's what I do and he's right, I do push all my feelings deep down inside and never let any of them out. I rarely ever make myself open to anyone, I don't like people knowing what i'm feeling. The only emotions I willingly let show are anger, hate and apathy. I don't know why that is. I don't know why I'm so angry. I don't know why I feel like violence or getting in fights will solve my problems. Even worse I don't know why it makes me feel better.
I've been drinking heavily ever since I stopped doing coke and matt died. Honestly I don't think Matt has anything to do with my drinking. The whole Matt situation is something i've pushed far, far into the back of my mind. I went through 2 shrinks because if they asked me about him I closed up and refused to talk to them anymore and we would sit in silence for every session. It takes a lot of booze to bring that shit to the surface.
Drinking is the only way I got off drugs. It hurt so bad to stop I wanted to die. I would drink myself stupid all day, go home, put a CD on repeat and cry myself to sleep. This also cost me almost all my friends. I was still a douchebag, but i was drunk all the time too. Some people were too afraid of me to not be my friend, but they never hung out with me, they only kept themselves on my good side so I wouldn't be a total dick head to them.
The only person who ever actually helped me out and looked after me was Dan. He gave me money when I needed it and let me sleep at his house when I just couldn't be at home around my parents and it kills me to hear the things i'm hearing about him and see him doing the things he's doing. People ask me why the hell I want to hang out with him or make time for him, but that's what people said about me when I was like that. Don even thought I was hanging out with him to do drugs... fuckin' idiot, the truth is when I needed a friend he was there for me and we became really close at the end of high school. He was there for me when I needed a friend and if he's really as bad as what everyones saying then i'll be damned if i'm not going to be there for him. Even if he doesn't care about what he's doing to himself at least he'll have a real friend.
Maggie is the only person I really open up to. It really kills me not being able to see her. She's so real and I love that about her. She really isn't like most girls. She's a bad ass (or tries to act like it sometimes lol) O well, i love her for it. I'd seriously never let anything happen to her and i'd do anything for her.
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